letters to my deployed husband

Today was a day where I needed you throughout the day. Moments where I wish there was an eject button. A button that enabled us to teleport into each other’s exact moment, so we could feel what the other was feeling. Today was a really fucked up day. Not because I missed you. Not because I felt like I couldn’t handle it…it was actually the opposite.  Today was the perfect balance of control and non-existence of control all at the same time. Today was one of those days.

The funny thing is, it started off as a great day. The baby woke up in her normal happy “Rae” of sunshine-self. Sylas woke up the minute my scent left the bed. (Oh yea- I let him back into our bed to keep your side warm for you…actually totally lying- we were both missing you and it just feels wrong to sleep alone.)  Anyway, back to how my day was going great…I had a nice red surprise when I went into the bathroom for my morning pee (high-five, pulling out worked but don’t forget to ask medical about getting your vasectomy). So as I’m taking care of that, Sylas jumps into big-bro mode and entertains Charly Rae for me so I can try to collect myself a bit. We came downstairs with chargers, iPhones, iPads, baba’s and binkys, so you know that means I wasn’t planning on going upstairs the rest of the day. Charly did her usual self-entertainment in the playpen while I made some coffee and blended up some bananas for her. (Its funny how she LOVES bananas and I ate them every day in my smoothies when I was preggers with her). I drank my coffee, sat at the kitchen island and checked my email on my iPad while the baby ate some teething snacks and Sylas got a bowl of Lucky Charms together. Like clockwork, I gave Charly her bath after her messy breakfast and with her baba she was out like a light. So that made it the perfect time for a shower and some time with our SY-GUY. He’s really been wanting to do some YouTube gaming so I finally figured out how to record his screen without hooking up a bunch of wires and downloading expensive apps. (Just mirrored my screen) So we set up our little gaming space and got in #SYGUYTV-Mode…and that’s when you called. Now, don’t get me wrong babe, I was SO excited to hear from you…but DAMN does it do a 180 on my day sometimes. We only got to talk for a few minutes as usual and we probably won’t hear each other’s voice for a couple weeks. I think the weight of that hung over me like a foggy ass Goldengate Bridge cloud cause it fucked with my entire day and I just couldn’t get it back. Let me just throw it out there, again, that deployment fucking sucks. Period. It’s not a pissing contest and we both agree (and sometimes disagree) that it’s awful for everyone. Doesn’t matter if it’s me missing you, you missing the kids, the dog missing you, me missing your…massages. Everyone looses in this situation. So lets just agree, it fucking sucks.  With every deployment I feel like the first week or two are usually the worst. Where I am not myself, I’m just in auto-pilot mode trying to keep the plane from crashing. The plane being me… With my “co-pilot” gone, I have to work a bit of overtime, which I’m okay with. But today was one of those day’s where I wish I had a vacation day to use or a cockpit eject button to launch myself anywhere but here.  I was not in the mood to clean the cabin, definitely didn’t want to walk down the aisle offering snacks and was not in any mental state to put on my oxygen mask first, let alone last, or even at all. The tank was on empty it was a fuck you, kiss my ass, it’s okay to cry it out kind of day. And so I did. I cried while I fed the dogs. I cried while I did the dishes.I cried when the bag of flour fell out of the pantry.And I cried while I cleaned it up. Today I told myself, it’s okay to cry…and I’m really glad I did because something awesome happened out of my anxiety and sadness.  Every time I cried our little sweetness worked his magic and wooed me just the way his daddy does.  One particular moment I never want to forget. Charly Rae was having a really hard time falling asleep tonight, she fought it with every bit of energy she had left in her. She was kicking her feet and throwing her arms around and got me pretty good in my eye- she hit me so hard my glasses hit the floor.  Yep, I cried. Not because she hit me. And not because my glasses flew off. I cried because it was my final breaking point of the day. I laid in the center of our big ass King size bed with one kid on each side, threw my hands over my face and cried like a mother fucking baby. Sylas didn’t hesitate. He threw his arms around me, gave me a big squeeze and said the sweetest words I’ve ever heard with that Jersey accent of his. “It’s going to be okay mommy. I’ll take care of the baby, it’s okay mommy. It’s okay. It’s okay mommy. I got her.“ WHO. WHAT. HUH. That’s our LITTLE boy babe. Sweet, compassionate and so thoughtful. It was like seeing a mini-you shine through this tiny 6-year old body right at the very moment I needed you. And he got her. He proped her up in bed and did whatever it took until she cracked a smile. And that made me smile.  It was exactly what I needed. A cry-sesh to let all that bitter anxiety, anger, fear, sadness, and loneliness air out and make room for what reall matters when you’re gone. Our babies. But then came the laughter and I felt guilty. I laid in our bed with our kids for another 20 minutes and we laughed, got puked on of course, and giggled our way into forgetting why we were sad in the first place In these snuggles and laughter I realized something important to remember and to keep the sadness at bay. When we laugh, it feels like you’re home.  That small epiphany is something I can look for in everyday, and I wrote them down to remember. “You’ll see Jay every time Sylas tries to scare you.You’ll see Jay in the funny and not so funny jokes Sylas cracks.You’ll see Jay when the baby is crying and Sylas comes to the rescue.You’ll see Jay when YOU cry and Sylas comforts without hesitation.You’ll see Jay when you open the fridge drawer and see it full of bottled water, because Sylas did his chores and filled it.You’ll see Jay in the dirty laundry Sylas leaves on his bedroom floor, just like his daddy.You’ll see Jay every time Charly Rae smiles, because she got that from her daddy.You’ll see Jay when you feed the dogs the last bit of food, because you know that shits a bitch to haul into the house, along with the cases of water. Point being…You’ll see him.” It might not be when I need you, want you or think of you, but those little doses of you help me remember why I hold on so tight and they are vital to our existence. Deployment fucking sucks. You spend your life dreaming what it would be with that one person and it is like a slap in the face when you can’t enjoy those dreams with that person. So my goal this deployment is to make it feel like you’re home, keep us all laughing and make this deployment fly by. Because no matter how hard we try, we’re never the same without you and bringing you home is impossible. So if you notice I’m happier than usual, just know that I’m still not okay, although I’ll always try to be. I’m trying, and I’m doing it for us, and I’m doing it for our babies. I’m doing it for me. It’s okay to cry, but more importantly…it’s okay to laugh when you’re gone. Laughter keeps my plane fueled and flying and as always, I promise to keep this plane flying till you come home. Then when you get home…I want a vacation. Next time you laugh know we’re thinking of you. One week down. Too many more weeks to want to count.  Talk to you soon. Love you babe. Xoxo -wifey