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You don’t know it yet, but we’re about to be best friends.
Not because we have something in common, or because we’ve survived some sort of trauma and have come out stronger on the other end for it. We wont be friends because of any of that. Our friendship merely exists on these simple terms…
I’m here if you need me.
On that note- you might hate me already and can’t find out how to X-out or swipe fast enough….
If you’re still here…
then I’m assuming you’re here to be that friend back for me.
The friend that listens.
The friend that doesn’t judge.
The friend that laughs at jokes (and not at people).
The friend that encourages instead of gossips.
The friend that can take some time away without explanation, yet return like nothing ever happened.
If thats you. (also me) then you’re at the right place!
Keep reading friend 🙂
NEW TO BOX OF KNOTS?
If you’re new to my blog, my website, instagram- the whole “box of knots thing”…then you might not know that I’m married and my husband is currently deployed for what will be the longest time apart we’ve ever had- 6 months.
Before he left we decided on civil terms that it would be best if we separated during this deployment (as if the deployment is not enough) and I moved with my mom and the kids to Las Vegas, where we could afford to have a home big enough to house a studio space so I can follow my artsy dreams.
Its been five months since we moved into this house and I don’t know what it is guys- but the air has been funky and I’m at a stage where I feel like I need to document it like I usually do- blog style.
Its been a long time since I’ve gotten back into adding regular content to my website but the more my following increases the more pressured and stressed I feel to make sure I’m double posting my content onto my own site (incase instagram or youtube take a shit) Its important to me to have my separate space where I’m able to make the rules and also provide a space for other creatives to share on my platform.
Since I’m rambling on- let me just go ahead and dive in.
MY THOUGHTS LATELY
I’m not quite sure how to say, express or explain the orchestra of anxiety and emotional sabotage I’ve been stomaching for some time now (emotional sabotage is a thing right?)
I figured I could attempt to write it down and see if other friends can relate. Connecting with my people and being able to vibe on our truths has been the best form of self-care for me lately.
I’ve always felt like my entire marriage I’ve had this role to fill. Do you know what I’m talking about?
Okay, duh…being a spouse is a role but I have always struggled with the intimidation to “be the best” at the whole wife thing. I didn’t realize until I watched my marriage fall apart that we had treated it like a business deal. I had in some sense become an employee to my household and lost touch with my purpose over such a small amount of time.
When my son was born, I was more scared than I had ever been in my life. I squeezed the railing of the hospital bed so tight, pushing as hard as I could, praying through my teeth that this baby make it through the delivery as his heart rate dropped and the umbilical cord wrapped around his purple neck.
Have you ever had a doctor tell you to stop pushing?!? Omg ladies it’s likeeee….trying to keep a turd from coming out when you’ve fully committed. It’s just coming and there is nothing you (or any nurse in Whittier Pres) can do LMAO. Sorry- had to lighten the mood a little with some poop humor. Cause if you can’t laugh about shit- then….you ain’t shit.
Ok soooo…back to the serious part.
I repeated to myself what felt like a million times, “God if you just let him live I swear on his life I will do whatever to fulfill the purpose you have for him”. I said that over-and-over like a mantra in my head until I believed it into existence. “I will do whatever to fulfill the purpose you have for him”….”for him..” And he was here.
At that moment I realized that you could love someone you’ve never met. You could fight for someone you don’t know. You could push yourself to limits you weren’t even aware of.
I forgot to mention that his father was by my side the entire delivery…about 4 feet away from my bedside, on top of the table, on the Skype window that blinked from my duct taped MacBook laptop that I had barely linked to the wifi in time for the delivery.
It was definitely not your average delivery- but one of those classic Ange – “Live in the Solution” moments and it worked for me.
From that moment I knew my new role was mom, and it would be the most important role of my life. What I didn’t know was the way motherhood would change me, how it would bring out both the best and the worst.
Box of Knots was created late one winter night in one of my low-lows. My manic depression wasn’t yet diagnosed but it felt like I was living in a shell of myself. I turned to my blog and would spend hours writing things that I’d never post. To some that might seem like a great waste of time- for me it was healing. It was a process to write down my traumas and diagnose them in a way my words would help you feel the pain vs try to explain what I had experienced. I found a love hate with writing and language and public speaking and manifested an alternative way for that once so-shy girl the chance to say all those things she felt she needed to say.
For almost 6-years now I’ve used Box of Knots to help undiscover who I always was by simply listening to myself. All it took was me seeing me. And to be honest guys- I think thats a huge issue in society period. We don’t see what is really there- we see twisted versions of everything our mind chooses not to deal with.
THE LIFE BOOK
And to make a really long story short- that is why I created the Life Book…I am convinced that there is a way for everyone to deal with their shit and this is my way. I know it’s my purpose to share what I’ve discovered with anyone that has the willpower to show up in my Life Book program.
I’ll be honest- this is the first group that I’m openly working with but it is not the first group I’ve ever worked with. I have experience over the last year working with those who had signed up for the Life Book: Pilot Edition- a very small 35 paged book I launched when I began.
My hope is to continue to show up for those like the Life Book has shown up for me so I can be a living example of all the ways the Life Book can be helpful regardless of your career, health or destiny.
I am really looking forward to this journey with you guys!
If you’ve already signed up, thank you so much for the support! If you missed the cutoff, no worries friend, I’ll be announcing preorders soon!