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IF YOU’RE NEW TO BOX OF KNOTS…Welcome Friend!

A little about me…my blog, business, photos and posts all reflect some type of event in my life or thought changing idea I feel compelled to share with the world. I like to find ways to connect with popular culture (POP-Culture) and do my ‘research’ to connect the dots as to why we are the way we are. And by “we”, I’m talkin MILLENIALS..yea YOU.  (shit I’m a millenial too so don’t worry, I’m talking to my higher self also.)

something you’ll notice me talk about often is perspective and culture.

(long post alert but I promise it’s worth your 5-minutes)

While recovering from my spinal fusion I couldn’t bend, twist, shower, brush my hair, wipe my own ass or even shave my vagina without the 100% hands on effort of my husband. To be honest, it was quite humiliating but also humbled me in ways only extreme experiences could.

I was bed-ridden for months to the point where we had even done our homework to create a vibe and energy in my bedroom that felt healing and welcoming to me. We built a DIY padded headboard, shopped some new IKEA nightstands with matching lamps and bought all the Scentsy to make my space smell like it felt. Long story short- it works…and while on that healing journey I watched a whole lot of movies and documentaries.

GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE IN YOUR HEAD

When you’re healing in bed (bed-ridden) it can be really isolating and lonely even with the nicest most talkative nurse. Sometimes the only place to go is within and thats what I found myself doing. I’d watch films and put my highest self in that characters shoes and go for the ride. I’d have an experience outside of my body because my body was stuck. And I discovered that healing was in the getting back up part. No matter what film I watched there was always the mentality to “live in the solution”, “keep going”, “never-give-up”.

One film that really stuck out to me on my journey through motherhood and finding my highest self was the movie BIRDBOX. I was never the “watch scary movies” type of girl and that movie was definitely on the scare-radar. So I avoided it at all costs. Until one day everyone and their mom was talking about it and to me seeing a wave of pop-culture on social media is a sign from my spirit guides saying “hey- look at this”. Doesn’t mean be consumed by it like a Bachelorette/Kardashian kind of addiction but more of a — theres a hidden lesson tucked in here kind of teaser and you should dig around kind of “can’t avoid this”. And if I avoid it…my guides will continue to remind me by showing me numbers like 11:11 or meeting someone that reminds me of someone. Small signs that are telling me to face whatever fear it is I’m avoiding.

Before I continue..I wrote this post last year.

The funny thing- I wrote this post one year ago and hesitated to post it all year long because I was still trying to understand this concept entirely myself. I did, however, see my ‘angel signs’ pop up surrounding this topic this week so I felt like now is a better time if ever to share my thoughts on this film and how it helped to shift my perspective.

MOTHERHOOD IS HARD

(and sometimes really sucks. period. and sometimes its great. and sometimes theres no way to explain it other than a thing you do everyday because your intuition tells you to.)

I think we can all agree- Motherhood is hard no matter who you are. There are peaks and valleys and most of us drag our shit through it all, disheveled and a hot mess- but we make it, mascara and chapstick… or not.

Recently I have been doing a lot of self reflecting and until this film, I was living what I call the “motherhood” life…

What exactly is “the motherhood life”?

I’d say it’s not being myself or doing what makes me happy– more so doing what makes everyone else around me happy and making sure my kids are alive and fed…motherhood.

YOU ARE NOT THE LOYAL DOG AT THE DOOR SO STOP ACTING LIKE ONE

It all came down to a realization for me from an event that merged into a convo with my now husband (then boyfriend) about 9 years ago.

If I could explain it in any visual- it would be a memory I have from a conversation about how I felt like the dog at the door thats so happy to see their owner but the owner is just too tired and to busy to have a dog. That is a convo in our relationship we have to keep tabs on to make sure we’re always accounting for the other’s perspective.

He is + always has been in the military during our relationship and that job (along with many others) can do some real ware and tare on your relationships and mental health if you don’t mind-it. “IT” being everything involved in your life the minute you enter the front doors of your home.

I used to get so upset with him- and then myself.

Mad at him for not bringing me home some flowers when I’ve texted him that I had a bad day and then mad at myself for previously telling him that I hated getting spontaneous flowers. When I really just mean that financially, we can’t afford “that” type of love language…but how do you even say that?

Here are some scenario’s I used vs. what I could have said to get the end result I was actually hoping deep down. (after all- how is he supposed to know if I don’t tell him?)

WHY ITS IMPORTANT TO HAVE REAL CONVOS

The difference between the different conversations above is perspective. Each statement stands from a different pair of shoes- a different frame of mind for a hopeful outcome.

If I had to give you a visual- you know how when you get home from a long day your dog is at the door before you even park the car and can’t wait to lick your sweaty feet you’ve been working hard all day on.

That’s my love language- that attraction and love drug vibe. And when I don’t feel it- internally it feels like I’m the dog at the door wagging my tail and just wanting to hear one “you’re such a good girl” after doing the dishes and then maybe a little pat on the belly- or even better a shoulder massage. But for real tho…

NEW HAPPINESS VS. THE OLD

Here we are 10 years into our future and I’m challenging my own thoughts about what will make me happy today vs. me many years ago.

Honestly, the repetition of the motherhood lifestyle I had grown accustomed to got me thinking – “What happens to a human if + when they loose themselves?” and no matter which perspective I looked at it from, I believed that more than likely  loosing myself meant walking in front of trash trucks and veering off roads….like in the film BIRDBOX.

That’s just not me.

I was a part time ride-share driver about to loose my license any day from a list of unreasonable tickets I got in the bay area and I had found myself at the wheel (many times) in total frustration over something where I get to a literal boiling point.

Have you ever been there? If not- here’s a descriptive for visual interpretation…

Cheeks red, blood boiling and arms locked on the steering wheel. Eyes welled up with tears you can’t keep back, making it hard to see. Foot on the gas. At any given moment, everyones life in that space can be changed…that’s what my most manic depression and anxiety felt like.

I realized in that manic moment I had a choice.

Everyday we have a choice to steer straight or forever change our path; each choice with its own growth and consequences.  After all- lessons are the true consequence of our epic failures. Every single day we have a personal choice to live and tell our story or crash and end it all .

That simple line between the two is all I needed. That’s what you call perspective.

That hairline of perspective makes all the difference when you’re thinking you’re at the end of your rope. At that point is when you tie a knot and hang the fuck on.

LETS HIT PLAY…

Spoiler alert! If you haven’t seen the Netflix Original, BIRDBOX, you’ll either want to stop here and go watch it or continue on to where I totally spoil the movie for you. (heads up)

THE NETFLIX ORIGINAL FILM: BIRDBOX

This is not a film review buy the way- this is simply my take on how this film helped me remove the own blindfold from my eyes.

At this point I will assume if you continue reading on then you have seen the movie. I also want to note that these images were screen-captured from the original Netflix film, Birdbox and do not belong to me.

WHAT HAPPENS FIRST

Let’s skip all the fluff and get right to it- I want to cut to a point in the film that totally got me. A point in the movie that everything went from “we’ll get through this” to “we’re fucked”.

Sandra Bullock and her sisters character in the film are trying to make their way out of the city- her sister at the wheel.

As an iPhone rings in the back seat -Sandra’s character reaches to the rear seat in search of the ringing phone, her sister see’s “something” and screams…

“What the fuck was that?!?”.

Her eyes well up with tears and her arms lock on the wheel.

She’s going for it…

Pause.

A CHANGE IN THE AIR

That is the moment that gives me goosebumps. The moment in that film where the energy flows from “lets do this” to “I can’t do this anymore”.

If you’re a mom, you may have reached that point once (or fifty times) before. And if you haven’t, then consider yourself to be one of the lucky ones because feeling that low-low is not something to boast about. Only the strong survive and that brings me back to the movie.

If I can pull anything from this scene, the fact that she keeps going even though she has no idea what is happening captivates me and I want to dig into that a bit. Because if you’ve seen the movie, then you know that Sandra’s character is pregnant. That mother instinct is so strong guys I just have to shine a light on it real quick.

Her sisters arms lock and she turns the wheel weaving in and out of traffic dodging cars and pedestrians until she finally side swipes a parked car that throws their car into a barrel roll and lands onto its roof.

It quiets down for a brief moment before her sister climbs out of the car, takes one look back at Sandra Bullock’s character and then takes two steps forward in front of a trash truck.

And just like that, she’s gone. Her story ends.

Despite just having seen her sister leap to her death, she climbs out of the car and keeps going. She never looks back.

This fraction of a second of the film is important.

What I want to shine a light on is that brief moment between “let’s do this” and “I can’t do this anymore”.

If you noticed…it shifts from a “we” to “me”.

WHAT MOTIVATES ME

For me, my motivator is my kids- I know there is so much left to show them and I want to be the one to hold their hand through it all. My tribe is what makes me feel like “me” and I always have the end goal in mind to get my family back together one day.

I have my mom, my kids, my husband, my siblings. I have people within arms reach that will catch me and I know because I’ve fallen many times before.

You see, I have my own secrets and demons but instead of letting it consume me- I use it.

My name is Angela and I am an addict. I am addicted to feeling good. No hangovers, no withdrawals, no breakups or heart aches. No yelling or screaming. I seek to feel good all the time at all costs.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME

When I was 16 I had a spinal cord injury from a sports related accident. At that age most girls were planning their sweet sixteen, but I was planning my physical therapy and psychiatry appointments.

When I was 25 I woke up from an 8-hour spinal fusion that consumed me. It put my life on pause and caused me to face every facet of my life I had avoided for over a decade.
I was addicted to pain medication. I was exposed.

What I realized was the separation between people that get to that point of “I just can’t go anymore” and the ones that pull through. 

Was it a matter of keeping the blindfold on? Or taking it off?

REGARDLESS, LIFE IS HARD

I think we can all agree on one thing, life is fucking hard and as one of my friends always says “only the strong will survive” and that is the part I tend to stand in the way of…you know…when you go from strong to weak.

If you were strong once can’t you be strong again? That’s the idea…

So, what’s the deal with this birdbox + blindfold thing?…lets zoom in on that for a sec…

In the film, what makes you kill yourself is a type of demonic energy that consumes you and leads you to go and kill yourself. You can’t see a physical shape but you can sense a definite darkness that raises the hairs on your neck.

AVOIDING THE ENEMY

To avoid being consumed by this demonic energy that ultimately leads you to suicide- you must shield your vision from seeing the darkness by relying on your intuition.

Queue blindfold and song birds…

The blindfold to shield your vision and the birds to warn you of the enemy.

If I had to draw parallels (and I will) from the two I’d say that the birds are your intuition and the blindfold is your faith. The two go hand in hand whether you are religious, spiritual or an atheist. Deep down inside is a faith that your intuition feeds into and the blindfold is what keeps your belief alive.

Everyone is a little naive.

THE CHANGE IN THE PATH

There is a pivotal moment in the film where Sandra hears something on the radio. They tell her that they’ve created a safe camp down the river. They tell her to listen for the birds and advise her that she will get to a peak in the rapids where one person will have to sacrifice their blindfold and look.

She loads her tribe in a small boat and heads down the river…remember, one person must look…

I can tell you- my freaking heart was racing at this moment.

I know that feeling of being in control without any actual control- it’s a mind game you have to see your way out of.

You can give into the negative voices in your ear trying to steer you in the wrong direction or you can pull your blindfold on tight and go with the ebb and flow of life.

She could have made someone take off their blindfold- shit she could have taken off her own blindfold, but she trusted her intuition and spoke louder than the voices in her ear.

Despite what you’ve been through, what path you’ve had to carve out for your tribe or what  demons whisper rotten nothings in your ear- trust your gut. Know that your gut is your song birds warding off the evil that seeks to destroy what you see to be beautiful.

At the end of that rapid is a garden full of butterflies + songbirds. (And if you’re afraid of the two- then cotton candy and unicorns…)

Don’t follow the light; be the light that your children will follow.

Challenge + constantly think for yourself by deciding what is more important…knowing which berry is delicious or knowing which berry is poisonous..which mushroom will taste good and which mushroom will take you on a trip of your life.

Perspective is everything.